Searching

Over the last year and a half, I feel like I've spent too much time searching for something...a little soul searching, as welll as some searching for patience, answers, acceptance, inner peace, balance, and the gift of time.  Most days, I feel like I'm a good mother, maybe even a great mother.  There are days, though, and I know we all have them, when I feel like I just can't keep up.  If only there was more time in the day, if only I could find more time to play with the kids, if only the laundry would just do itself!  I've grown in many ways, but I have yet to let go of my slight (okay, maybe more than "slight"), OCD tendencies.  I'm a planner and an organizer.  It's just part of who I am.  I do, however, love to have fun, and there's nothing better than having fun with your kids!  I find myself constantly searching for more time and more ways to do just that. 

Yesterday was one of those days when I just felt overwhelmed by it all...the therapies, doctor appointments, tests, worries, "homework" (for us and for Luke), etc.  I felt overwhelmed by this world of special needs.  I felt frustrated for Luke that so much of his time is spent working in therapy, and it is hard work for him.  He's usually exhausted afterwards, with little energy to play.  Monday is speech therapy and hearing therapy, Tuesday is nutrition therapy, Wednesday is occupational therapy, Thursday is speech (again) and developmental therapy, and Friday is physical therapy.  All of these, in addition to doctor appointments, leave hardly enough time for Luke to just be a toddler.   Pete and I constantly feel guilty that we don't work with him enough on all of the things our therapists teach us.  But, when we do have the free time, we just want to play with him...to roll around, laugh, tickle, and just have fun.  He needs the therapies, so it's not as if I can cut back anywhere, but I have to continue searching for a way to balance my time better.  I have to keep searching for a way to be the best mother I can be to all of my kids.  I guess that's what we do each day, right?  We all just do the best that we can, while constantly searching for ways to be even better. 

Happy searching!