I've thought about this constantly since the day we found out I was pregnant: how will this baby's welcome into the world be different than Luke and Olivia's? Like most people, I try to live my life without regrets, without wishing I had done things differently. I'm a pretty rational person and try my best to do things "right" the first time. I've always said that my biggest regret in life thus far is not studying abroad during college. Well, I now have one that trumps that by a million miles as rarely a day goes by that I don't regret how we welcomed Luke and Olivia into this world or how we handled our emotions during that time. Certainly when you are in the midst of something so life-altering and scary, it's quite difficult to see past the pain and worry. Aside from the shock of Luke's diagnosis, we had the myriad of health issues to be concerned about. If I could go back and talk to my tearful, emotional self during that time, there are so many words of advice I could now give...advice to assure her that everything would be okay, that we would adapt, and that life would go on, though maybe in a slightly different way than we had originally planned.
Jackson's birth, while long and more difficult than we expected, was the standard joyous welcome into the world where family members waited anxiously in the waiting room to greet all ten tiny toes and ten tiny fingers. We cried tears of joy as our dreams of starting a family had finally come true. I even remember faintly hearing the soft lullaby that was played throughout the hospital when Jackson finally made his grand entrance. Sure, we were tired and overwhelmed like all first-time parents, but nothing could have brought us down from the clouds. It was pure heaven.
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| Right after Jackson was born |
When we rushed to the hospital the night I was actually going into labor with Luke and Olivia (aside from the many pre-term labor scares I'd had), something felt different. Of course we were excited and thrilled to finally meet them, but I felt a little sad that it was so late in the night and none of our family would be there this time to join us in celebration. Something about the hospital seemed dark and empty, though that was probably because it was midnight by the time they were prepping me for the c-section. The c-section went smoothly, and as they were stitching me up, I was oblivious to the fact that something was happening with Luke. We were finally wheeled into the recovery room and had just a very short time with Luke and Olivia before the neonatologist arrived to tell us the news of Luke's diagnosis. Everything changed at that point. We didn't know how to feel or what to think. I definitely didn't hear the lullaby that played twice that night for Luke and Olivia. In a way, it worked out better that our families weren't there waiting to see us and the babies. Pete and I needed those first 12 hours or so to digest everything and to just be with one another. The days and weeks following that day were equally as difficult, especially when we got to take Olivia home but had to leave Lukey in the NICU. Afterwards, we had to work on adjusting to our new family life, including the many needs that Luke had. We also had to work on ourselves, on acceptance, and on moving forward. It wasn't easy, but we did the best we could, especially with the help of our wonderful support system of family and friends.
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| With Luke before he went into the NICU |
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| With Olivia after she was released from the NICU |
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