September 11, 2009

Luke Nicholas
12:10 a.m.
5 lbs., 8 oz.

Olivia Lynn
12:11 a.m.
5 lbs., 2 oz.

The doctor came in and said, "We think Luke might have Down syndrome."  Again, this was just as they were wheeling Olivia away to the NICU, so a lot of things were happening around us.  I was so overwhelmed, and obviously still very hormonal and medicated, that I wasn't quite sure what to say or think or feel.  What was supposed to be such a happy and joyous time, turned out to be a time of intense fear, worry, and shock for us.  Pete and I were looking at pictures the other day from when Jackson first came to the hospital that next morning.  He was so excited and proud to be a big brother, yet he had no idea just how sad we were on the inside.  Looking back now, I have immense regrets that we spent so much of that time in such despair.  It was difficult mostly because of all of the medical issues Luke faced from the beginning, and knowing he would need major surgery so soon.  But, too, I recognize that we needed that time to grieve and to come to that acceptance I've spoken of so often.  It needed to happen at its own pace and in our own time.

One year later, I'd say that Pete and I have come a long way from those two people who felt their whole world had been turned upside down.  Certainly, we will still have many emotions to deal with, especially as we watch Olivia grow and do things that Luke isn't able to do just yet.  I remember my friend's sister (who also has twins, one with Down syndrome) saying to me that being a twin is a double-edged sword...great in the fact that he will always have a sibling his age to watch and learn from, but somewhat more difficult in the sense that there will be a constant reminder of his struggles and delays.  As Luke gets older, there will surely be new worries and new fears.  How will the other kids treat him?  How will he do in school?  Will he have new medical issues or relapse of other ones?  Will he ever be able to live on his own?  Despite the worries, we look at Luke and truly can't imagine our lives without him.  We look at him and see the beauty that he has brought into our lives and the lives of others.  He is a beautiful soul and he is an integral part of our family.  He is medically stable, gaining strength, and making progress.  While he still faces many challenges, we know that he will overcome those in his own time, especially with the help of Jackson and Olivia.  He watches them with a keen eye and I can tell he is taking in everything they do.  That might not always be such a good thing, however...

Miss Olivia is into anything and everything she can get her hands on these days.  She is so different from Jackson at that age in that respect, yet so similar to him in many other ways.  She definitely has a mind of her own and is quite full of spunk and energy.  Her smile is infectious and she can surely "turn a frown upside down."  With the help of our wonderful physical therapist, she is getting stronger and will likely be taking her first steps very soon.  I have a feeling I might be wishing we didn't have such a great therapist when that happens.  I see this little sweetheart keeping me on my toes, which she does already just with her crawling skills.  One thing is for sure, Olivia is a Daddy's girl through and through.  Her face lights up just at the sound of his voice from the other room.  Little girls really can just melt your heart, can't they?

We've made it through their first year!  We survived the many sleepless nights, hospital stays, therapies, doctor appointments, sibling jealousy, managing schedules, etc.  Okay, so perhaps many of those things remain, but now we are better equipped to handle them...physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Happy birthday, dear Luke and Olivia!